Dear Diary: April Showers and Such

Dear Diary: April Showers and Such

In Her Monthly Column For V, Liz Nistico, One Half Of Pop Duo Holychild, Takes Us Into Her World, Her Mind, And Her Experiences As An Artist In An Industry Fixated On Polished Personae. Here, She Opens Up About The Highs And Lows And All Things That Glitter But Are Rarely Gold

In Her Monthly Column For V, Liz Nistico, One Half Of Pop Duo Holychild, Takes Us Into Her World, Her Mind, And Her Experiences As An Artist In An Industry Fixated On Polished Personae. Here, She Opens Up About The Highs And Lows And All Things That Glitter But Are Rarely Gold

Text: LIZ NISTICO

April 1

In the studio, wrote a punk song. Very high, British hard hip hop prog is blasting. I don’t want to forget anything. My favorite lyric I wrote today was:What if everybody wasn’t dead set on the money, never hit the hot and sunny?

April 5

It’s 3 AM. I’m tired, but we leave DF [Mexico City] in 20 days and I don’t want to go. It’s all feeling nostalgic now that this is my home—feels like my home. A dog is barking outside and it’s getting warm here. I’m sunburnt from walking, and I’m nervous to go back to LA because I feel like I have nothing there.

April 7

Currently obsessed with Thomas Stoppard

feel guilty for everything

Brazil and now I bought a new play from him

my heart hurts and I’m out of breath

Also an actor’s handbook from the '70s and Bukowski poems, I’m sure you can tell

April 10

Maybe the key to a successful monogamous relationship is constantly thinking everyone hates you.

April 12

Today I was at 7/11 and it felt like I was remembered again. I met a man who told me we were meeting for a reason, that the universe brought us in line at the convenience store for a reason. Then he tried to sell me an infinity bracelet.

April 14

This morning, I was dreaming in Spanish. I dreamt that an indigenous group was teaching me how to dance and sing. We were in a rodeo ring, but it was in my hometown, in Manchester, and next to the first house I call home—the white and green house on Barrett Street. Actually it was closer to the vet and the Shop and Save, but anyway.

April 19

When I graduated high school, I moved to Italy. I was there for 6 months and living with my uncle. My strongest memories are this: Taking the train into Milan in the morning; the brown seats were all but empty; I was listening to Eliot Smith or it even could have been Snow Patrol, and I was crying, and I felt alone. Earlier that day, I had a cappuccino and brioche for breakfast. I remember my boss at the newspaper screaming on the phone and hanging up and giggling. Her white ponytail never moved. I remember driving to the Alps with Francesco every other weekend and watching them grow as we drove toward them on the plain. They were hours away, but they looked like the size of a building that was only half a mile. I wonder what my memories of this trip will be. Life moves too fast—I should start appreciating it.

April 20

I’m nervous that I’ll become jaded. That at some point I’ll have faded and I won’t care about the pursuit of celebrity because I’ll already have given up on our sad culture. If I get there I hope I’ll devote my life to even more absurdist performance art. I wonder if I am already there now. And I hope that I am, and I am prepared to catapult myself into polarity. Who’s better, future me or future you? I kid, let’s not think of it like that.

Sometimes I pray that I’m alive to see the apocalypse, so I can have a more certain idea of the way it will all play out when I’m gone.

April 22

Today, I found a journal entry where I talked about meeting April a year ago. My horoscope told me that things look down, but to be positive. I fell out of love with Pablo. I cried but I was too close to my mirror, so my self-conscious self tried to capture a glimpse of the tears, and they stopped coming. I ate a quesadilla with many chapulines with Alvaro. I’ve packed the majority of my clothes, maybe.

April 28

I’m in LA. I admitted to a store clerk that I carry around a book in my see-through backpack so that people will ask me about it. When she questioned about it I told her she didn’t have to be nice.

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