Dear Diary: Feelings And Fiestas In February

Dear Diary: Feelings And Fiestas In February

IN HER MONTHLY COLUMN FOR V, LIZ NISTICO, ONE HALF OF POP DUO HOLYCHILD, TAKES US INTO HER WORLD, HER MIND, AND HER EXPERIENCES AS AN ARTIST IN AN INDUSTRY FIXATED ON POLISHED PERSONAE. HERE, SHE OPENS UP ABOUT THE HIGHS AND LOWS AND ALL THINGS THAT GLITTER BUT ARE RARELY GOLD. THIS MONTH: MEXICO

IN HER MONTHLY COLUMN FOR V, LIZ NISTICO, ONE HALF OF POP DUO HOLYCHILD, TAKES US INTO HER WORLD, HER MIND, AND HER EXPERIENCES AS AN ARTIST IN AN INDUSTRY FIXATED ON POLISHED PERSONAE. HERE, SHE OPENS UP ABOUT THE HIGHS AND LOWS AND ALL THINGS THAT GLITTER BUT ARE RARELY GOLD. THIS MONTH: MEXICO

Text: LIZ NISTICO

Hi! I’m in Mexico. It’s been two months. We’re recording our next album. Also I keep falling in love with everyone. This is what has been on my mind this month.

February 5, 2016

I have anxiety when: I am late; I am waiting for someone or something; I have to go to a party alone; I have to meet someone I have never met; I have to meet someone I find attractive; I drink coffee; I go to a dance class I have never been to; I interact with homeless people; I interact with very rich people.

I check my horoscope too frequently.

Currently: In Fuente de Cibeles, waiting for my friend for coffee. Actually, we've never met. Louie knows him and apparently he's a fan, and apparently he's in the film world, so I want to talk to him about locations and shoots. He's an hour late, and I'm sitting at a coveted table for three by myself. I have had a lot of stares and the extra chairs have been robbed, and I feel nervous to make eye contact with people when I see them vying for a place to sit. Today we move into the Universal office—I guess Louie is moving in. I'm drinking coffee in the sun. After this, I'll have a meeting with Alvaro's sister, apparently the largest producer in Mexico, to talk about music video work again. I hate the production side of things. I wish I had everything figured out already, and I'm almost thinking about flying down my own team for all these things (waiting on meetings, drinking too much coffee, forgetting to follow up on emails), so I don't have to deal with this.

I'm writing to document my life and also distract myself from looking at my horoscope. I'm grinding my teeth (too much coffee, too little sleep) and also have decided to devote $2000 to plastic surgery when I get back to LA. I'm very excited for this, actually. Also have decided to dye my hair back to brown. Slowly. I feel like I'm not myself. This hair has taken my identity.

Now, I’m at a cafe and I spoke to the man at the counter in Spanish when I was asking about eggs and breakfast. He responded and then when I was reading over the menu he shouted to his colleague for an English menu. I was very offended. I didn't take it, and I stopped talking to that man. I know he was trying to be helpful but my Spanish is fine. I ordered with another man and ignored the first, and then also ignored the second. Spanish vs English part one.

Last night, we DJ’d at Lucas and I drank a lot, so much that when I got home I fell asleep on the floor in the foyer. Also I ate a lot there. I ordered ceviche and raw tuna over a tomato and chickpea salad, and then Louie shared vanilla ravioli with me and his dessert, which was a raspberry blueberry, maybe rhubarb, crumble with cardamom and short bread. The food is divine there and I'm happy to DJ just so that we can eat and drink for free. Even the bread is amazing. I played our new song “Not Invited” and a chef walked by to tell me he loved the music.

Tomorrow, I have plans to go to Mercado de Sonora with JJ. I'm very excited for this because I've wanted to learn about witchcraft, and I want to go with a local. I also like hanging out with him and speaking only Spanish. He has a small tattoo on his cheek. It's an upside down cross and it's the size of my pinky nail, and it's very tiny, just off his right eye.

February 6, 2016

I dreamt of an orange fur tarantula that belonged to my Spanish teacher. When I woke up, I searched the Internet for a meaning and the tarantula represents hopelessness, while orange is creativity, and Spanish is my time in Mexico (that part is mine).

I'm stressed in my dreams, I'm sexually confused, and, honestly, I'm possibly pregnant. I'm in a cab on my way to Mercado de Sonora right now and I hope JJ is there because he hasn't been answering me, but it doesn't matter. If he's not I'm just going to walk around the city alone. Explore. Try to understand myself. Try to understand all this.

February 24, 2016

April died. Dayna died. I think Frankie the puppy might be put down tomorrow. My belly button ring is infected, and the video is almost done being edited. I'm on my way to the studio to track vocals for “Mexico O Mexico,” or whatever it will be called. Meanwhile, there's a techno remix of “Uh Huh Honey” being played in the taxi. My skin is breaking out, and I'm eating a lot of food today. I think I left the stove on. I'm sorry April died and I never told her thank you in a large public way. I texted her today but she is gone and I almost don't believe it. I want to keep everyone closer. Is this a sign that things are impermanent? Life is impermanent? Is this a slap for being so reckless with my talk about death? Did I come here so I could be confronted with it, with no one by my side? Don't wanna remember what it feels like to lose someone really close to me. I hope Frankie doesn't die.

February 28, 2016

Hi you,

I'm in Mexico still. I've been thinking about you a lot, but mostly when I'm sad, or when I feel unpretty, or if I feel boring. You're on my mind with the hope that maybe I don't want to escape my reckless cycle, maybe we could run away, and we would be in a bar and I would talk to a man and you would get jealous, and I could know that you want to own me. I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably never going to be with one person, but I don’t care.

Things that have been on my mind lately are the same as always. Obsessing over certain foods (currently eating exclusively turkey breast with rosemary bread and also tomatoes with oil and salt), obsessing over clothes (wearing the same thing all the days), and obsessing over people (I've fallen in love). I like these obsessions. People in my life laugh at me for them but I don't care. I don't want to escape them. I don't want to know a static life without them. I want to obsess and dream and hope and indulge until I abruptly discard these material adorations. Is it so bad to want to live in a Hemingway novel?

My current inspiration in Mexico is a combination of lust and also dyed pubic hair. Beyond that I've been feeling so fortunate to be an artist. There's an obvious revolution upon us. Feminist rhetoric is on the collective tongue; Bernie Sanders has a large amount of supporters; there is an inspiring movement to abolish racism in the US, also popular music is finally not boring. I feel it in Mexico, too. My friends here are all artists and drag queens and progressive. I want to kiss all of them.

I want you to come here so we can drink mezcal. We can drink horchata when it's cold and the city is windy and moody. You can make fun of me for being too impulsive with ordering food and crossing the street and what I've chosen to wear when I go outside. I haven't eaten enough tacos, so let's do that, and then we can make art all night long. I don't sleep here, as usual. I'm up every night and I need to find weed so I can lull myself to sleep in a more regulated fashion. We can smoke and dance until we fall asleep on the floor.

Anyway, things are the same and also everything has changed. Come visit, let's kiss.

Xo

February 29, 2016

Frankie the dog died.

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