Dear Diary: I Like Losing Control

Dear Diary: I Like Losing Control

In Her Monthly Column For V, Liz Nistico, One Half Of Pop Duo Holychild, Takes Us Into Her World, Her Mind, And Her Experiences As An Artist In An Industry Fixated On Polished Personae. Here, She Opens Up About The Highs And Lows And All Things That Glitter But Are Rarely Gold

In Her Monthly Column For V, Liz Nistico, One Half Of Pop Duo Holychild, Takes Us Into Her World, Her Mind, And Her Experiences As An Artist In An Industry Fixated On Polished Personae. Here, She Opens Up About The Highs And Lows And All Things That Glitter But Are Rarely Gold

Hi. Will you follow me on a stream of consciousness? Early MGMT is playing. I’m not speaking. I haven’t spoken in 3 weeks and I have about four more to go. I don’t mind not speaking, it takes away all social obligations and it’s a test for everyone I interact with. Can they handle me? More importantly, can they handle themselves? This month has been really emotional, but is that just life? No.. this one was more emotional than usual. It’s interesting because I’m pretty open with a lot of aspects of my life (for example every month I share diary excerpts.. ha!), but this month it was taken to a new level. We canceled our tour because I’m having vocal surgery, and it’s interesting how for me, revealing that bit of information to the public made me feel vulnerable in a way I haven’t felt in years. I realize there are things I keep to myself: my family, my health, and most business related information. I’m still not comfortable talking about it. Actually, you’ll notice that I [subconsciously] chose to barely include the deepest issues to me, despite the fact that my journals are riddled with my rants (there’s one entry focused on how I this month I have confronted my greatest fears. EDIT: I included it because *vulnerability*/it’s Aug 29.). Anyway, August felt like things truly fell apart. However, I’m starting to realize it’s not that they fell apart, they fell away. I’m also starting to realize that the universe is making room for the future. I’m listening to "Hedron" by BadBadNotGood (you can too!) and I’m starting to ramble and it’s 1:34 am and I’m thankful I have V Magazine as an outlet. Moreover, I’m hopeful my monthly musings can be the patches that make up a comfort blanket for you, because that’s what they are to me. Also, I hope they inspire you to write, because you have just as much to say, probably more! Anyway, this meta entry has ended, I’m sending this off to Ian from V. Buona notte.

August 1, 2016

This is just another moment in which I am reminded to trust my intuition.

August 5, 2016

Last night at acupuncture I was visited by a girl. She spoke and I opened my eyes but she was gone.

August 11, 2016

So what’s a girl to make of this?

Should I be ok with it?

Fearful of the fire lit?

Scared of all the chances missed?

Should I cry that it was you?

Act like I didn’t see it too?

But you know I know the truth

Watched your passion fade to blue

What was it that did us in?

Was it love? Requited sin?

Or the thought that we could win

We overanalyzed it dim

I can’t say I need you though

When you were far away it showed

Wish I had you like I know

We really let forever go

August 17, 2016

I climbed up Mount Washington and as I ascended I noticed the yellow moon. The sun was still setting, the purple mountains glowed orange and the moon was so bright it looked transparent. Today at 7:15 pm over the San Gabriel Mountains a round, butter hologram posed as the moon. It was so bright it was almost iridescent. I ran to see more of it, to breathe it in and as I got higher on the mountain the view became too much for my fragile heart. I stumbled backward in awe of its beauty, and I landed on a telephone pole. As my back rested on the wood my body convulsed. It felt like after an orgasm with my soul mate, or after the purest connection I’ve ever had, except I simultaneously thought I would soon vomit. A girl on a bike passed and I saw her too stare at Luna. The deepest pit in my stomach came: to see my Moon cheat on me with this lady in spandex. I watched the woman’s hair blow around her ears while her eyes set on my lover and I thought to myself “she will never feel it like me.” Is this what it feels like to be connected? Is this what it feels like to know love? Is this what it feels like to know God?

My body was nearly on the ground. Then you called me.

August 17, 2016

I can’t speak for 6 weeks. Here’s to dedication.

August 22, 2016

I dreamt my dad was Hitler and I was going to be killed for inciting an insurgent army. My last memory was reading a poem that started: “I love my dad as much as anyone can love someone while still being related.” I was trying to convince my mom to send me to Mexico where I assumed I’d be safe.

August 25, 2016

The sleeping pills are starting to kick in. I’m drifting here and away and when I stood my vision was fading and this is what I wanted: to normalize my sleep schedule. Or something.

I’ve been living in a bubble. It’s been one week of silence and realistically I have 6 more to go. Every morning I wake up and pull tarot cards and today there was a lot of change on the horizon. Judgement, the Magician, the Sun, the High Priestess. I know this is a time of change and growth and I need to treat it as such. My mind is heavy, my eyes are barely in focus, and my head is bobbing on the tip of my neck. I like losing control like this.

August 26, 2016

I’m on the sand, the waves are rough and loud and the flies are swarming me from every direction. I’m meat again just like last night. Or this morning, I can’t tell which. I dreamt we were in bed together and you were pulling at my clothes just like any normal man would. I was resisting and you were kissing and rolling under the covers and it wouldn’t have been wrong if you weren’t my ____. I never see you, I barely remember what you look like, and without ever having you in my childhood it didn't even feel out of the ordinary.

August 29, 2016

I’m only excited for change when I’m certain it will be positive. Otherwise, I hide under a cloak of isolation for it all to pass, or happen to me whichever works out first.

It’s been a physical year for me. In Mexico, my heart would race until I thought I might faint. In LA my voice was stolen from me. And lately, my body has been convulsing at the sight of nature.

August 30, 2016

Three years ago I was diagnosed with…lice. I got it because I was working with preschoolers. At the time we had just released Happy With Me and life was surreal. We were speaking to every label, manager, agent. I didn’t have health insurance so I was at the CVS Minute Clinic to learn if my presumption was true. I remember thinking, “Lice is my biggest fear”— that’s what I was telling myself. Anyway, the nurse called me to say the result was positive and I sat in the waiting room with 10 other people sobbing as if the love of my life had died. I’m sure they thought I was pregnant or was terribly sick, or had some more grave ailment, but to me, everything was breaking and I didn’t know how to fix it.

Anytime I name something as “my biggest fear” it comes true. Lice, stalling my car on the highway, splitting up with you, losing my voice. But somehow I always make it through. I should remember that.

It’s always at moments of paramount importance: graduations, losing my virginity, my grandfather’s death, becoming pregnant—that I have no idea how to act. Do I cry? Do I twiddle my thumbs? Should my expression be somber? Nothing about real life is ever taught.

August 31, 2016

My horoscope was good today

Said happiness will come my way

I hope it means it’s all ok

There’s nothing like some future say

UP NEXT

The Trinity Returns: Linda, Christy, and Naomi Pose For #KnotOnMyPlanet