Dear Diary: March Madness (Still In Mexico)

Dear Diary: March Madness (Still In Mexico)

IN HER MONTHLY COLUMN FOR V, LIZ NISTICO, ONE HALF OF POP DUO HOLYCHILD, TAKES US INTO HER WORLD, HER MIND, AND HER EXPERIENCES AS AN ARTIST IN AN INDUSTRY FIXATED ON POLISHED PERSONAE. HERE, SHE OPENS UP ABOUT THE HIGHS AND LOWS AND ALL THINGS THAT GLITTER BUT ARE RARELY GOLD

IN HER MONTHLY COLUMN FOR V, LIZ NISTICO, ONE HALF OF POP DUO HOLYCHILD, TAKES US INTO HER WORLD, HER MIND, AND HER EXPERIENCES AS AN ARTIST IN AN INDUSTRY FIXATED ON POLISHED PERSONAE. HERE, SHE OPENS UP ABOUT THE HIGHS AND LOWS AND ALL THINGS THAT GLITTER BUT ARE RARELY GOLD

Hi.

March has been a whirlwind. I feel really fortunate to have V Magazine as an outlet to publish some of my most intimate thoughts. I have been talking about this on my snapchat, and my approach for writing this column has been to take excerpts directly from my diary. This month, my writing was pretty abstract (is it always? I can’t tell), and I don’t really write about plot; mostly, I just write my emotions.

So here is my life in a nutshell: I’m in a band, HOLYCHILD, with Louie and we’re living in Mexico City to write and record our next album (we go back to LA in April). I keep falling in love with everyone this month. I have noticed that my type is boys who are extremely charming and also quite weird. I like girls too, and this month I made out a lot with a girl, but it went nowhere beyond that. I often feel oppressed and I can’t tell if that’s a natural state of mind or if it’s our culture, but I kind of think it’s a combination of the two. I get out of control when I drink or do drugs, so I try not to do that. I have very addictive tendencies. Sometimes when I’m in an Uber and there is music playing that I like and the window is down I never ever want the ride to end.

Anyway, March felt like this:

March 7, 2016

I’m an insomniac, but I love it! I wish I could say that something has changed, but it hasn’t! I feel incredibly trapped. I’m weak.

You know it’s not meant to be when you’re both dressed like you matter at a trite cocktail party, and someone mentions an artist or a film or a political candidate and the words out of his mouth came from you first, but when it was only the two of you together. You cringe hearing your words verbatim and everyone agrees or laughs or is happy and you try to be too, but you hate that moment.

I wish I could sleep. I wish I didn't want to stay up all night and distract myself from the truth. I want everything. I want to kiss you, and I want to slip beyond my dreams. I want to experience reality on the next level: with more of everything, so I can feel it deeper. I want lip injections and tons of money and greater objectification, and a bigger ego, but I think I’ll never have it because I’m too old. Is that absurd?! Certainly I’m capable of the title of beauty at this point. What’s the reason for doing all this? It’s pathetic to live a life so sedated.

March 10 or something

When I meet a man who shares your name

When I find someone who keeps your face

I don’t think of you at all

Wish I did but you’re so far

March 12

I’m exhausted. We got out of the studio at 5 a.m. and somehow it’s noon and I’m in a taxi listening to loud Americana from the ‘80s on 106.5. What does it all mean? Today I want to see the boy. I want to sleep. I want to eat bread and I want to get coffee.

It’s spring outside and the radio is fast Spanish, but I can understand it all. Just saw a confederate flag in Mexico. Coldplay is playing now. Can’t stop thinking about my friend who told me I had “young girl” features. We almost got into an accident, but I’m still here and anticipating getting naked and back in my bed.

I hope dad isn’t mad at me.

March 15

The world is sinking

It all feels out of control

Between the Trump dream,

the future’s failed you know?

While we’re not thinking

With Fox pushing the show

Let’s buy everything

We’re rich in Mexico

March 16 or whatever

I’m having an affair with myself. My words are too honest in lyrics lately and I’m currently worried something deeper might come out. I think my heart might soon explode. There’s a buzz that matches my mid-register only electric and it’s coming from the kitchen.

March ?

Before I was born, there was a woman who lived inside her head. This was more of a result of her exposure to humanity and less of an innate habitation, but she stayed there all the same. Her name was Candy and in her mind she had mouse hair that was down to her shoulders. She was human—you get the rest.

March something 2016

I don’t mind being reckless, but I’m tired today.

March 18

Masturbating, looking at dresses I want to buy that are all over $1,000, hiding my shame, going to bed, don’t want to leave in a month and a week. Boo to the passing of time, my main enemy.

The only thing that made me feel better was listening to Nine Inch Nails in the backseat of the car and screaming “Everyday is exactly the same.”

March 28

On the way to the bus station, we stopped for pizza and I tried to discreetly smoke a joint, but the pizza guy knew and was talking to JJ about it except I didn't catch any of that and I’m definitely not as stealth as I think I am. We were the last ones on the bus and we were out of breath as we were handing our tickets and bags and hiding the weed and asking for water.

When we arrived in DF [Mexico City], Radiohead was playing and we sang “Creep” loudly. He asked me “How are you, cariño?” and I said “Good, cariño,” and we bought more water. Then he called an Uber and we went to our homes.

UP NEXT

Backstage: Oscar De La Renta F/W '16