Dear Diary: Not Depressed, Self-Bettering

Dear Diary: Not Depressed, Self-Bettering

IN A COLUMN FOR VMAGAZINE.COM, LIZ NISTICO, ONE HALF OF POP DUO HOLYCHILD, LETS YOU INTO HER WORLD, HER MIND, AND HER EXPERIENCES AS AN ARTIST IN AN INDUSTRY FIXATED ON POLISHED PERSONAE. HERE, SHE OPENS UP ABOUT THE HIGHS AND LOWS AND THE THINGS THAT GLITTER BUT ARE RARELY GOLD

IN A COLUMN FOR VMAGAZINE.COM, LIZ NISTICO, ONE HALF OF POP DUO HOLYCHILD, LETS YOU INTO HER WORLD, HER MIND, AND HER EXPERIENCES AS AN ARTIST IN AN INDUSTRY FIXATED ON POLISHED PERSONAE. HERE, SHE OPENS UP ABOUT THE HIGHS AND LOWS AND THE THINGS THAT GLITTER BUT ARE RARELY GOLD

Text: LIZ NISTICO

It’ s all happening! 2016 is almost here and I can barely recall the details of the past year. This month we were in the studio; then we went to Tokyo; and then the holidays happened. It’ s all been overwhelming, but I feel grateful and full from cookies, so it’ s generally positive.

December 23

It feels like crisp fall in L.A. The traffic isn't bad because most people are gone and I’ m finally alone. My roommates have been in NYC for two days and already the house is a mess, and I have a new codependent relationship with the cats. The white one is eyeing me now, and she knows I’ ll touch her when she forgets about me.

I spent the morning at a plastic surgeon moving into the next chapter of my life, I was thinking. Sitting next to their tinsel blinking tree I was careful not to check “DEPRESSION” as one of my frequent new-patient ailments. I pretended like I spent all my days on self-betterment and self-beautification. The doctor brought me into a bright room with a view of *the Valley* and asked me what I wanted. At no point did she tell me I’ m crazy or too young. She only nodded and agreed with me, and I was thankful for her consumerist honesty because I suppose I went in there wanting to feel worse anyway. My “treatment” was going to cost $1400. Before they started numbing me they drew heavy wooden blinds and the room got dark and between some combination of fear, disappointment, lack of funds, and a severe moral issue, I told the nurse I would have to postpone.

December 24

My grandmother was maybe 90 pounds and she lived in the ‘60s and ‘70s, and she expired in the ‘80s, and she wore better clothes than me or you or anyone. I don’ t know if she cooked, but I do know her name was Claire and she drank all day and all night. Wallie was cheating on her with his secretary, living the American Dream if you will, and he gave Claire a $5000 a month spending budget, as it was always described to me. She ordered shoes and shirts and then toys for me when I was born, and her couch was maroon leather, and she smoked cigarettes. For my mom’ s baby shower with me, she gifted a lifetime supply of Desitin, the saint.

Now it’ s Christmas, and I feel her here. I felt her when I listened only to Illinois[by Sufjan Stevens] and made a one course dinner of pumpkin soup with a hard boiled egg for 6 people, and when I was a little too drunk and serving my friends who thankfully did not complain. I also thought of her when I pushed the music up and stood in the middle of the living room with smoke all around me. I like Christmas alone and I like the way my mind wanders, I like writing letters to a lover who’ s forgotten me, I like feeling worthless and insignificant, then so powerful and perfect. I like staring at myself for too long in the mirror. The only part that irks me is when my mom always says “Claire died of a broken heart.” That’ s not in my story. We all know love doesn’ t exist like that.

I hope there are always moments of transcendence amidst my bouts of emotional drowning.

December 28

Last night I slept at Denise’ s house because I couldn't bear another night alone. I was unintentionally drunk and understandably exhausted and I knew if I had stayed home I would have been up all night staring at the latter to the attic, convincing myself the Illuminati doesn’ t exist, and luring the cat to comfort me.

I took an Uber home this morning and jumped out before we reached my house because I saw a vintage store that looked like I needed to spend all my money. Then I went to Stella and ran into my friends because Silver Lake is like a college campus right now. I’ m almost sad to leave.

December was fast. I was in love for a moment and of course Tokyo was a whirlwind. Epiphanies were centered around the Age of the Aquarius, my self-deprecating nature, and my desire for future change!

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