Chrissy Teigen Opens Up About Miscarriage, Grief and Healing

Chrissy Teigen Opens Up About Miscarriage, Grief and Healing

Chrissy Teigen Opens Up About Miscarriage, Grief and Healing

Via a heartfelt personal essay published on Medium.

Via a heartfelt personal essay published on Medium.

Text: Valerie Stepanova

Following nearly a month of silence after having had a painful miscarriage, the TV personality and cookbook author Chrissy Teigen decided to share her journey through pregnancy, grief and healing via a personal essay published on Medium. The piece opens:

I had no idea when I would be ready to write this. Part of me thought it would be early on, when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened. I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts. I’d have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally get the chance to address “what happened”.

While Teigen and her husband, John Legend, have been mourning and trying to reconcile with what feels like an unbearable loss, the couple has received countless messages of support and kindness. Teigen took the time to express deep gratitude for all the support she has received from family, friends and fans: "For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, “you probably won’t read this, but…”. I can assure you, I did."

The piece then goes into painstaking, detailed descriptions of the placental complications the Sports Illustrated models have had and how they eventually led her doctors to induce labor at 20 weeks. The procedure was followed by extreme feelings of disorientation and "utter and complete sadness." Teigen also addressed the criticisms she has faced for posting photos from the hospital, explaining that she asked her mom and husband to take pictures no matter how uncomfortable it was. She was determined to share this story.

I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.

She closed the piece describing the complicated, conflicting emotions that came in the wake of her loss: an extreme joy of pregnancy followed by sadness and disorientation, which later transformed into feelings of uncomfortable happiness, guilt and love for the two toddlers she feels lucky to have. The experience was complicated by how public the joy of pregnancy was for Teigen: she shared every step of the way with her followers, which made her miscarriage and grief equally public in consequence.

I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public. I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will.

Read the full essay on Medium.

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