Support Joe Biden By Purchasing These Weird Items
Candles, coffee, and horse girls for Biden!
Candles, coffee, and horse girls for Biden!
Text: Sophie Lee
The 2020 presidential election is only 15 days away. That means it's pretty much your last opportunity to financially support your favorite candidate. You may be thinking, "I don't want to just give away my money. I want a strange and slightly uncomfortable object in return for my goodwill!" Great! Don't buy one of those boring campaign t-shirts with the candidate's name written in a remixed sans serif. Instead, we rounded up these unusual items for your perusing pleasure. Go make a difference!
Joe Biden Campaign Store
We have to start with the official campaign store. They are selling what appears to be knock-off Dr. Bronner's, the soap brand known for labeling their products with the religious and otherworldly ramblings of Dr. Bronner himself. On this hand sanitizer (very practical), the Biden campaign swapped out the doctor's "Moral ABCs" for Biden's COVID-19 plan. A 20z. bottle is $8.
You may or may not remember when this photo made the rounds on social media. It was among a group of images featuring "hot young politicians." The Biden campaign seems to have thought that a thirst trap tank top for $25 would be a good advertisement for their presidential nominee. Were they right??
The Biden campaign also released the "Believe in Better" collection, a collaboration with 19 different American designers. It included Tory Burch, former Kanye collaborator Joe Perez, and Joseph Altuzarra, who designed this lovely scarf. If you would like to wear your support for Biden around your neck, head, or tied delicately to the strap of your purse, you can buy this item in two different colorways. It costs $45. Hopefully you'll still like wearing it after the election next month!
Biden Beauty was created by "anonymous beauty insiders" who aim to support Biden's campaign through the sale of cosmetics products. Their first big launch was this Democratic blue blending sponge. The caption reads "...it’s dual-sided to help you do the most, and it's also durable, rugged, and dependable. Just like – yep, you got it – Joe Biden." It is cleverly priced at $20.20.
Biden Beauty also sells a number of other, more traditional, merch items, including this hoodie that simply says "Biden" in what looks like the Ellen font. Retail is $46.
Balance Of Power
You can now start your morning with a "cup of joe," a cup of Joe Biden, get it?? Balance Of Power, "a vote-blue-no-matter-who Facebook page," is selling merch to help Biden tackle his political foes. They describe this item as "a luxurious gourmet gift for a fellow Democrat or a deliciously decadent pick-me-up for yourself to help you stay alert and stay in the fight." The 11oz. bag is roasted in Chicago and costs $25.
Hot Merch For Biden
The title of the shop really says it all. Pretty much every item from this online store is gold, but we selected a few that allow wearers to not only make a statement about their politics, but also about their more personal attributes. Proceeds from these sales are split 50/50 between the designers and Biden's campaign. First up, "bitches for biden" for $30.
"Cat People for Biden," $40. We all know how cat people are, notorious Democrats!
"Horse girls for Biden," $30. These ladies may have a reputation for swinging to the other end of the aisle, but they can vote blue too. Let 'em know!
They of course have options for the fellas as well. "Plant Daddies for Biden" retails for $35 and comes with both front and back graphics. Very lush.
Someone had to acknowledge that not everyone voting blue this November is really all that jazzed about their candidate. Still, voting is important and the ambivalent Biden demographic deserves merch too! Show off your reluctant commitment to the cause with this meh Biden t-shirt, embroidered and $40.
JD + Kate Industries
Okay, the proceeds from this purchase won't actually benefit Biden's campaign in any way. In fact, this product predates his presidential run. But, it is so wacky, and the description is such a trip that we had to include it anyway. If you buy this, it will simply be due to your personal passion for Joe Biden and have nothing to do with the future of the country. Now, here is the description of this product in its entirety:
"Your long search is finally over. You have found a Joe Biden-Scented Candle. Now the only thing standing between you and Joe Biden is...well, basically all the same stuff as before. But at least now you have this great candle!
The Joe Biden-Scented Candle is more than just a candle that vaguely resembles Joe Biden. It’s also a friend, a confidante (at least as much as any other inanimate object), and a mentor (if you’re trying to be a candle). You’ll feel your hope and optimism being restored as you lift the lid and inhale the aroma of Biden’s favorite orange-flavored sports drink. (We won’t mention the brand name, but see if you can guess! Here’s a hint: It’s not Powerade.)
You can even pay homage to Biden’s love of Amtrak by bringing it along on your next train ride! Trust us when we say that nothing is a bigger hit on trains than a lit candle*
*You should not really trust us when we say this"